This morning Alexis' nurse came, like she does every Tuesday morning before I take Lex to school. While the nurse was taking Lex's blood work, we had her munching on crackers and sipping on juice - hoping it would prevent the dizziness and nauseousness that Lex feels every time she gets this done. It seemed to be helping. The nurse was done taking Lex's blood and started to change the dressing on her PICC line. Lex hates having this done too. She can't handle when the tape is being ripped off of her. Alexis does love it when the dressing is off though because her nurse cleans the area - which relieves a lot of the itchiness Lex has from having the same dressing on for a week.
The whole process was almost done when Lex looked at me and I just knew what was about to happen. I asked her if she felt okay - and immediately she said "no" with a painful look in her eyes. I asked her what was bothering her. She said she was starting to get dizzy and light-headed. She kept asking if we were done yet because she needed to go lay down. Soon enough I was walking her over to our couch to lay her down. At that point she was saying she was so dizzy that she couldn't see clearly and that she was starting to get a headache. I laid her down, got her a cold towel for her head and just sat next to her praying this would all pass quickly. Soon she was telling me her vision kept getting blurry. There was a bag on in the living room that she could see and she kept saying the words on that bag just kept looking like a long black rectangle. While she was laying down the stomach pains started up. So far it seemed like a typical Tuesday morning and I figured within an hour or so Lex would be feeling okay. So the nurse finished up and headed out.
After about a half hour Alexis had to go to the bathroom. As she stood up, the pain in her stomach become severe. She had to lay right back down. She was crying saying it felt like someone was stabbing her in her stomach. At one point she was holding her knees up to her belly, rocking back and forth, crying to me "Mommy, make it stop, make it stop!!". It took everything in me to not lose it at that moment. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to make her feel better or take this pain away from her. I couldn't cry though. How could I let her see how scared I really was - then she would be even more hysterical. I had to keep my cool, but the lord knows it wasn't easy. I was minutes away from taking Alexis to the hospital when things started to calm down a little. As she laid on the couch, she didn't want to watch tv because she knew it would make her head hurt more than it already was. We just sat there for a while together as I held her and rubbed her back. Soon she was back to a manageable state, but let me tell you - this whole episode seemed like it lasted a lifetime.
Today wasn't just a rough day for Alexis, it was really hard for me too. I got a real glimpse of reality. I mentioned before that Alexis is my oldest of 3 daughters. I may not have mentioned that I am a stay-at-home-mom right now though. While all of this was happening to Alexis, I still had two more kids to be taking care of. Kaelynn, my 3 year old could see what was going on and just kinda sat to the side worried about her big sister. She would randomly rub her back and say "I hope you feel better, Sissy". My 8 month old wasn't so easy during this time though. When this was going on it was the same time that I feed Makenzie and put her down for her first nap. So she was hungry and exhausted. When Alexis' pains got really bad I had to put Makenzie down on the floor. I quickly put a couple toys by her but she wanted nothing to do with them. So she screamed for her Mommy, like any 8 month old, hungry and tired baby would do. So not only was Alexis crying and in pain, I had Makenzie on the floor screaming for me. I was a little overwhelmed, to say the least. When Alexis' pains got manageable I sat on the couch with Lex laying over the ends of my legs, and Makenzie in my arms while I breastfed her and hoped that she fell asleep at the same time. I felt like I needed to duplicate myself. How in the world to parents with 5, 7 or 10 kids do it?! Those are some strong willed mothers!
So I realized that even though Alexis is sick, the world around us doesn't stop. I still have to take care of Makenzie. I still have to make time to play with Kaelynn so she doesn't feel left out. I still need to cook, clean, do the grocery shopping, run errands, ect. And those are just the average things. I still have a lot of things to deal with that are not so average. These problems and challenges don't just go away because Alexis is sick. I wish that was the case. I wish I could spend all of my time focusing on getting her better but that is impossible. I have to balance many different things all at once and it's not so easy. One of these days I just might hit my breaking point - but when that happens, I know I have an extremely strong support system standing around me ready to pick me back up to my feet. My mom, cousin and sisters keep me sane. The rest of my family would be there for me at the drop of a dime and I am convinced that for once in my life I finally have the greatest friends a person could ask for. I truly feel blessed.
Alexis ended up staying home from school today, even though she had to miss testing. She spent the whole day laying down. She didn't get pains that bad again at all today. Thank God. Today made me realize that life has to go on, and that I can't be stuck in this moment. I need to find a new "normal" for us and roll with it. I need to take care of myself so I can continue taking care of my daughters. Although today wasn't the greatest day, it was a big eye-opener for me.
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| * My beautiful little girls - Alexis, Kaelynn & Makenzie * |
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